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I was always the good kid. Frankly, I always thought that my parents should have appreciated how undeniably well-behaved I was a bit more.  For a teenage girl I was pretty mild mannered, I did my homework on time, I helped out around the house, I don't remember fighting them often, I didn't have boyfriends, I didn't drink alcohol, I wouldn't have even known how to do a drug if I was giving the option- I was a good kid. As a matter of fact I was only ever grounded once in my life- for something I didn't even do- but that's a story for another day.

When I was in high school a friend of mine, my best friend, started to get into trouble.  To be fair, the trouble she was getting into would be considered mild by most.  But since we were such good kids the typical escapades of American teens seemed like cardinal sins. Up until that point my friend and I had kind of been inseparable, but for no reason in particular we had drifted slightly- that's happened to all of us at one point, right?  So even though we were still best friends, I had no idea that she had been running with a new crowd, drinking a little excessively, falling behind in school. Now, because I rarely got into trouble I also rarely got disciplined. My parents often used other kids failings as opportunities to discipline me- as though there's a quota on yelling at your kids that they couldn't quite fill on my problems alone so they had to borrow scenarios from others.  So when my friend's indiscretions came to light my Dad took advantage of the moment as a time to instill a teaching into me.  With a stern voice, a furrowed brow and a pointing finger he explained to me that once he loses trust in someone it is almost impossible for that person to gain it back.  Now he had lost trust in that friend of mine and I would be wise to stay in line- otherwise I might lose his trust forever.  And with a loss of trust there are consequences.  In this case I wasn't ever really allowed to spend time with that particular friend unless under controlled circumstances and my parents seemed pretty wary about me spending time with any other friends that they didn't know well- that was my punishment for her faults.  It seemed that my parents didn't trust me enough to make my own good decisions if faced with a quandary.  But I never wanted to fail my Father, my love for him had always been so deep, so our one-sided discussion was enough to keep me out of trouble from then on.   

Today, 15 years later, the tables have been turned and my trust in my father has been tarnished. Funny how he acts as though he's exempt from the things he taught me.  He made me a promise a year ago- he would never talk to her again.  But now I've found that he has- behind my back for months and months.  Of course, he can't be upfront about it- he's got reasons of course.  Though I prefer to refer to his reasons as excuses.  I've never been one for ultimatums, but I asked him to choose a year ago, "Is it me or her?"  When someone has hurt you so much and lied to you and about you so much there seems to be no other way.  He answered that he chose me- but his actions today say that he chose her.  

My daughter has a Berenstain Bear book called, "The Truth."  In it the cubs are playing ball in the house which causes them to break their Mother's lamp. Instead of telling the truth they tell what they call "a whopper." At the end of the story they learn the value of telling the truth- because even though the lamp could be fixed as the book says- "... trust is one thing you can't put back together again."  Back when my parents saw my kids more often I would sometimes strategically place that book in the diaper bag- with a bookmark on the last page, part of me hoped that my Dad would read this children's book and be inspired to change his ways. He never seemed to notice.  Since then I've talked to him about my anger and he doesn't seem to care. I worked so diligently and sacrificed so much to keep his trust and he doesn't even want mine. 

If you asked me 3 years ago for a list of the people I trusted, it might be a mile long.  Today, my list would have only one name. Because when the person you've always trusted more than anyone breaks your confidence- once you remove that cornerstone- your trust in everyone else shatters too.  And trust is one thing you can't put back together again... but I'm still trying.